[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
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When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
a fate I wish upon no one
How to make infinite energy.