robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
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I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I bet birds love this building.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I came this close!!!!
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.