so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
You Might Also Like
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.