I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
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Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow