BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
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Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
won’t smith
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
The struggle is real
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what