Practicing safe sax
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
monday
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Customize Your Wedding.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.