What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
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Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Camping tip: No.
Always
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Saw online –
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend