I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
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Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
#JohnTravolta
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Coffee is ready.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
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