Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
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Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
notice
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.