*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
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ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
If snakes were wide
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?