Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
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I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
“I FIXED IT!”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Yes my dude
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin