God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
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[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.