My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
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I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Coffee is ready.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Important reminders
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
there’s probably a fee though
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.