I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
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I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I think the cat got the dog high.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :