I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
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Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.