Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
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ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My Guy
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.