If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
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Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
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Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’