‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
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Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower