There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
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Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!