me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.