I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
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The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?