I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
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Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭