I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
You Might Also Like
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
the three genders
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.