My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
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ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
That took me a moment.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree