I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
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You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?