Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
You Might Also Like
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.