me: why does my back hurt
also me:
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[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Smile they said.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup