My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
You Might Also Like
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?