when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
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To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what