Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
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Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.