When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
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Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket