3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
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I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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*scroll*
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Breaking news:
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”