WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
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TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?