angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
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Don’t we all.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Not helping
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited