Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
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Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.