Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
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Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*