My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
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Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Bill is short for Billiam
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”