Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
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[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.