I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
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[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
2022 be like
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster