Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
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daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi