mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
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Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…