Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
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How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers