The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
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don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards