And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
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AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet