Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
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Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.