If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
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Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY