Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
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[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.