Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
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The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
(Musicians.)
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything