Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
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If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Meow
For the baby who has everything
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*