Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
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Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
what’s the point then??
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.